And You May Find Yourself
A Guided Practice To Never Fearing Death Again
This is not one of those near death experiences where my life passes before my eyes and I was drawn to a bright light in the distance. Rather it played out over 5 days in the ICU. FIve days of limited contact with my people, five days of no food or water, five days of not knowing what was wrong, and five days of being out of physical control and being too afraid to go to sleep.
The only thing that remained constant was the soundtrack that played out in my head as these days developed. To be clear this isn’t like some on demand streaming service that accompanies every minute of my day. Nor is it background music that is playing while these events take place. The emotional triggers set off in my life somehow are matched to songs I have heard in the past. They don’t even have to be songs I like, just songs that connect with the moment and feeling.
So this is my story and the changes it has brought about in me.
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The Hidden Track
My hidden track is We Could Send Letters by Aztec Camera:
Just close your eyes again
Until these things get better
You're never far away
But we could send letters
When I was in hospital, as you can tell from the book, I went through a somewhat, nostalgic trip thinking about different times in my life. This song is from the High Land Hard Rain album by Aztec Camera. The album came out during my first year at Strathclyde University in 1983. By the time I had moved into a semi-detached house with 4 flat-mates in 2nd year, we could recite this album wall to wall. It was part of our essential listening, part of our pre-going out listening routine and an album that signifies that first step of independence in my life. In ICU in particular, I was far from independent and maybe that is why this song particularly revisited me so clearly.
It’s easy to see how the four lines above fit into what I was experiencing. And even though technology has long since moved our communications on from letter writing, there is something purposeful and honest about the energy behind a letter. That matched my desire to be honest and purposeful in my connections, if I could only get through my current situation.
By Source, Fair use, https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?curid=4805168
By Source, <a href="//en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:High_Land,_Hard_Rain.jpg" title="Fair use of copyrighted material in the context of High Land, Hard Rain">Fair use</a>, <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?curid=4805168">Link</a>
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